Ok, I think I have finally hit rock bottom. Thank God!!! I can actually get started on my true weight loss journey. Last night, I went out with a few of Josh's friends. We went to the new club downtown (which I must say is awesome). It has a regular bar atmosphere side and also a nightclub side. We spent most of the night on the night club side. Which is where I had my realization. One of the girls I was dancing with was super skinny and the other was not small but not huge by any means. Then there was me. With my big ass. (Yes this post may get a little down on myself, but that's ok. I am now working to change that.) In this club, they have mirrors on one side. Which for me was a good thing. I kept looking at them while I danced. As I was looking in the mirror I actually had a realization. Usually when I look in the mirror (I have reverse anorexia) - if I am wearing something that I think looks good on me, I think of myself smaller than I am. But last night, I didn't. I still thought my outfit was cute, but I actually looked FAT. Yes, I said it, I looked FAT!!! So now I have decided I really need to work on my weight issues. I have never been thin, and that's not what I am going for now. I just want to look good, sexy and fun when I go out dancing. I love to go to the club and dance. Not so much drink, but I love to dance. Yes, I understand I am a white girl and I am rhythmically challenged, but I still love to go out an dance. I want to look good when I do it. I know you shouldn't compare yourself to anyone else, but I think that is what I need to do to get me started, at least until I start seeing results.
Now that I have my plan in place and have hit rock bottom, I think I will be able to achieve my goals. Sure, I could have achieved my goals before, but I think for anyone to truly change it takes them reaching a rock bottom or having a huge epiphany about their goal and where they are starting from. They also need to have a real want to achieve the goal. I have that new want. I want to look good when I go out dancing, not afraid of what everyone is saying about that FAT ass out dancing.
So I have a new motivation for my weight loss. Yes, I am still losing weight for a million other reasons, I have finally realized why I really want to lose weight. The other reasons are all for the future, this reason is for now. I want to look good on the dance floor at the club. I know we will be going out more often and each time I want to look my best. I want to be able to dress in "slut" clothes by this summer and actually have a right to wear those clothes. Right now, I do not have that right.
If anyone wants to join my in my journey, feel free to comment back. Thanks for reading my incredibly long post. But this is what I needed.
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2 comments:
Sometimes I dance in the shower. Sssshhhh! I love to dance too! It's so much fun, and it really is a workout too!
I think you have a good head on your shoulders and even though most of this post is beating yourself up, you are using that to build yourself back up again, from the root of what you feel inside, which is important. Not sure if that makes sense. (But it did when I thought it in my head so who knows.)
In any case, even though I have gotten to the point of maintaining and staying on track, I still find myself with those issues. Awhile ago, I bought a shirt that was way too small because I thought it would look "good" on me. Um, nope. It would probably fit Lydia or Rachel because they are smaller (and I know I'll never be petite hello I'm over 6 feet tall), but until I took a picture of myself in it with the digital camera, saw it on my computer (then deleted it in both places in horror), I thought I looked "hot" in it.
So now I have this tendency to take photos of myself in clothes I think I look good in to get to the real truth. ;-)
Okay so now Melissa....no more self-bashing, okay? Only can go higher from this point on, and I know that you will soar!! :-)
Hugs,
~Tracy
If there hadn't been the god-forsaken ice storm today, I so would have been to your house for some Wii action or even some dancing too. I'm up for either anytime anywhere. Just let me know when. :-)
If there is ever ANYTHING that I can do to be there for you or help, I will do it.
~Tracy
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